


goldfish

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Developing Relationship, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 17:29:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Hey Haru,” he said. “Did you know it’s cruel to keep goldfish in bowls?”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	goldfish

**Author's Note:**

> After listening to Ano Hana's ED song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgzuOXKd6Sg), I was in the mood for some non-fluffy MakoHaru. I hope you enjoy~

  

**1.**

Makoto leaned over the balcony, his eyes fixated on the summer fireworks bursting across the dark mountains.

“Hey Haru,” he said. “Did you know it’s cruel to keep goldfish in bowls?”

The beginning of summer, there were four goldfish, named after the four members of the Iwatobi swim team. In a few months, white spots had developed on their scales. The water, despite being changed every day, had turned stagnant and gray, and soon, their bodies floated up, surrounded by uneaten fish food.

He dug a second grave.

“I thought they were beautiful… so I wanted to treasure them and watch them every day,” Makoto said. He gripped the edge of the railing, his smile strained. “It was selfish of me, don’t you think?”

 

**2.**

Haru made an extra bento, knowing Makoto would forget. The entrance exams loomed ahead, driving most of his classmates indoors and stuck in cram classes. Haru wasn’t particularly worried, but Makoto was a different story. His best friend’s manga was replaced with prep books, his swim goggles with reading glasses, and his music with audio lectures. Makoto was anxious about the future, even if he didn’t talk about it, and so Haru put up with the obsession with studying.

“Eat,” he said. He opened the box, which contained rice, mackerel, seasoned veggies, and sweet rolled egg.

“In a minute...” Makoto said, absently. He scratched his cheek with a pen.

Haru grabbed his wrist, bringing it down gently.

“Eat,” he said, more firmly this time.

Makoto finally looked up, and offered Haru a small, quiet smile.

“Thanks,” he said.

Makoto couldn’t use his left arm, so Haru helped him clear his desk. A shadow passed over Makoto’s face, but he regained his smile quickly, and ate as much as he could without complaining, even though it was the fifth day in a row that he had mackerel.

 

**3.**

When Makoto talked about moving, there was no question they would be living together.

“Apartments are expensive,” Rei said. He pushed up his glasses. “My father helps manage them, and he’s told me the rates are going up everywhere, especially Kyoto.”

Haru flipped through the magazine, analyzing the different neighborhoods and layouts.

“None of them have pools.”

Rei laughed.

“Of course not! Pools are costly to maintain,” Rei said.

“Bathrooms…” Haru muttered.

“Fairly small, but they should have Japanese-style bathtubs.”

“No,” Haru said. He pointed at the picture of an apartment that cost 200,000 yen. It had slightly less of a resemblance to a live-in closet and the bathroom was wider than the others. It would fit a wheelchair through easily. “One like that.”

 

**4.**

After classes, Makoto worked part-time in the university library helping other students research topics online. Haru usually came at the end of shift to pick him up. One day, Haru was running late, and Makoto decided he’d try getting back to the apartment himself. It was more difficult than he realized, especially through public transport, since he didn’t know the bus routes very well and it was hard to navigate dense sidewalks with his wide, unwieldy wheelchair.

He managed eventually to get home, but he was so tired that he ended up falling asleep sitting up, only to wake to Haru’s panicked shouting.

“Why didn’t you call?” Haru demanded.

“Sorry,” Makoto said, ducking his head. “I thought it’d be less trouble if – ”

 _“What if something happened? What if you got hurt again?”_ Haru, usually calm and cool, was shaking.

Makoto recognized fear, having lived with it as a shadowy constant throughout his childhood. But _Haru_ wasn’t supposed to be the one scared. He wasn’t supposed to look at his best friend like that, wasn’t supposed to breathe in those quick, shallow breaths, or clench his fists so tight that his knuckles whitened.

He reached out with his right hand, as far as he could lift, and brushed the underside of Haru’s wrist. The touch was enough that Haru’s panic quickly deflated into relief, but his eyes still shined with an emotion Makoto wished he could vanquish forever.

“I’ll call next time.”

His fingers curled around Haru’s hand.

“I promise.”

 

**5.**

Makoto’s glasses were heavy, and slipped down his nose frequently. Nagisa suggested he tie a band around the earpieces, like one of the professors, so that he didn’t have to keep pushing them up.

“It’s okay,” Makoto reassured him. “I’ll get them adjusted during my next appointment.”

Haru had marked all of his appointments on a calendar, using the penguin stickers Nagisa brought as a gift.

“Then after that we can see a movie!” Nagisa jumped on the couch, his silly cheerful dance moves causing Makoto to laugh. “Or go on a cruise! Or sip champagne from a beautiful woman’s – ”

“Nagisa.” Haru returned home armed with bags of groceries. Makoto stopped laughing and used the remote to wheel himself to the kitchen to help. “You know Makoto can’t go out like that. The doctors said his white cell count is too low.”

Makoto bit the inside of his cheek, a flush of embarrassment riding over him.

“Ah, well… maybe when he’s better!” Nagisa recovered gracefully, but his eyes were uncertain when they glanced at Makoto. “Do you need any help, Haru-chan?”

“No.” Before Makoto had a chance to grab the bag of green onions within reach, Haru shoved most of the groceries in the fridge with almost violent force.

Makoto wanted to say something, but not while Nagisa was there as a guest. He forced himself to smile, to redirect the conversation to a less awkward place, and hoped whatever tension hanging in the air would somehow magically dissolve on its own.

 

**6.**

Haru waited by the nurse’s station, reading a book, when someone sat next to him.

“Hey.”

Rin was wearing an expensive suit, his hair styled, as though he had just come from a television interview. Haru returned his attention to his book.

“How’s he doing?” Rin asked.

“We don’t know.” He flipped a page.

“Has he…” Rin hesitated, his normally rough exterior softening into concern. “Has he been getting worse?”

Haru wanted to slam the book down, grab Rin by the shoulders, and shake him. _Would he be in the hospital if he was better, dumbass?_ he wanted to snap. But he didn’t. Making a scene meant he would be forced to stay off the unit.

“If you want to talk,” Haru said. “We should do it somewhere else.”

Rin sensed Haru’s bad mood, and reacted by stiffening himself.

“Yeah, we can do that,” he said casually. “I’ve got half an hour.”

 

**7.**

Kou had decided to become a physical therapist, and gained the reputation for being both adorably sweet and terrifyingly tough. Her expectations were high, but not unrealistic. Makoto thought it was fitting that muscle-obsessed Kou would take her life work into shaping other people’s muscles back to health.

“Did the doctors tell you?” Makoto asked. “They’re concerned about my swallowing because I choked a little after Rei told a really awful joke in front of the nurse.”

Thanks to Rei’s unfortunate comedic timing, he was stuck eating pureed food and thickened liquids, which tasted like an older, blander version of cough syrup. Haru tried blending mackerel once, but all it did was make Makoto throw up. After that, Haru became determined to force-feed him awful protein shakes instead. Nagisa was kind enough to switch the bottles with strawberry-banana smoothies when Haru wasn’t looking.

“We’ll be working with a speech therapist too,” Kou said. “But first! I want to know how much of our training menu you stuck with.”

Makoto made a face, which rewarded him with an unimpressed tap on the head with Kou’s clipboard.

“Arms! We’re going to start off with arms, today!” Kou announced.

Makoto sighed, then used his good hand to do a little air pump. He managed about a thirty-degree angle before his shoulder and biceps spasmed. It looked more like he was trying to push a cart than a fist pump, but, well, Kou always did give extra points on effort.

“One,” he counted.

“ _I can’t hear you, rookie!_ ”

“Two!”

“ _Still can’t hear you, rookie!_ ”

 

**8.**

“What you’re doing is causing more harm than good.”

Rin took a drag from his cigarette, before pursing his lips and letting the smoke escape in a quick puff.

“You can’t lock him up in an apartment, or babysit 24/7,” Rin said. “It’s a degenerative disease. No matter what you do, he’ll get sicker.”

The cigarette flew from Rin’s mouth, dropping at their feet and extinguishing with a hiss. His dress shirt wrinkled under Haru’s fist, their foreheads nearly knocking. Even when they were teenagers, Rin had been the angry one. It was strange to think the roles had reversed, with Rin attempting to be apathetic and levelheaded.

The key word being _attempting._ He wasn’t nearly as good playing Haru’s role as Haru was playing his. He grabbed Haru’s arm, the message clear that he needs to _let go or else_.

Tired of watching Haru burrow himself in denial and martyrdom, Rin said, “It’s like watching you two play a sad game of house. Protective husband and his devoted wife. Too bad you can’t have sex with him, can you?”

The punch that lands square on his jaw was going to bruise. His PR manager would be furious.

“What do you want?” Haru’s voice was deadly calm.

Rin’s grip on Haru’s arm tightened.

“I want Makoto to have a life,” he said. “And for _you_ to have one too. This shit isn’t healthy. How long has it been since you’ve had a break, for fuck’s sake?”

Haru didn’t have an answer.

 

**9.**

Makoto wondered sometimes if Haru hated him.

It was strange, but thoughts like these emerged when Haru was most affectionate. When he stroked Makoto’s hair or held his hand. It made his throat ache, and he often had to close his eyes, turn away from the touch, with the excuse that he was tired.

Haru was his best friend. He didn’t have to be his caretaker. Makoto didn’t _want_ him to be his caretaker, especially since Haru was so worn out these days. When they were little, Haru was quiet but spoke plenty through his eyes and his graceful swimming. Ever since they attended university, Makoto had trouble reading Haru’s face. He was taciturn and withdrawn, which sent a spike of fear, one deep as the ocean, that somehow, Makoto had caused him terrible pain, the kind that leaves indelible scars.

But if they had, Haru never spoke of them. He stayed by Makoto’s side, even when Makoto refused to eat for days or fought with him about stupid, trivial things.

As Makoto pretended to sleep, he felt Haru press a kiss on his temple, and a tiny piece of him broke.

 

**10.**

Rin’s words echoed in Haru’s mind when he watched Makoto sleep. Sometimes, Makoto curled away from him, or spent hours gazing out the windowsill of their apartment. When he asked what was wrong, Makoto always smiled and said he was tired, or he liked watching the neighborhood cats play around in the yard.

Ever since they were young, they had the ability to speak without words. But Haru found it harder to hear what Makoto’s heart was saying nowadays, when Makoto turned from his touch and hid his expression behind thick-rimmed glasses and a computer.

There were times when, frustrated by Makoto’s stubborn silence, Haru had to leave. To clear his head in the pool, to swim frantically, desperately as though he was on the last leg of a relay. He kept the pace for as long as he could, until his muscles couldn’t stretch and coordinate smoothly and his lungs were burning for air.

But even the water couldn’t cool the heat that lingered from pent-up emotions. In those times, he called Rin, demanded a match, and they raced, both on ground and water, until one of them collapsed. They had a tally, and Rin’s natural competitive streak meant Haru could call in the middle of the night and he would still show up, cranky and teeth bared.

He suspected Makoto knew, and was in some ways relieved.

 

**11.**

Rei helped keep Makoto’s mind off his slowly atrophying muscles by suggesting they work together on a project. The engineering company Rei worked at wanted to host classroom science presentations as part of an educational campaign, but Rei was no good with children, since he lacked the ability to simplify abstract concepts into more concrete ones. Or as Nagisa put it, “he’s too nerdy!”

Makoto’s strongest subjects were literature and biology, so there was still a gap that had to be closed. Luckily, one of Rei’s assistants, Aki-chan, was part of their team.

“I think you two should do the presentation,” Rei said. He pushed his glasses up in solemn consideration. “Aki-chan and Makoto-senpai have nurturing dispositions, so children would be more likely to develop trust upon meeting with you.”

Despite obtaining a doctorate and being a friend to Makoto for ten years, Rei never managed to drop the –senpai title. The closest he got was Mako and Haru-chan-senpai, which didn’t last long after Haru’s icy glare.

“Well, I’m not sure,” he said. Makoto looked down at his lap. “Wouldn’t they get scared of…”

_My appearance?_

He had to wear multiple braces, and his arms liked to randomly twitch at inopportune times. Not to mention, he used a specially designed wheelchair with a computer attached, so it made him look part machine. Not quite human. Certainly, not _nurturing._

Aki-chan clapped her hands together.

“Nonsense! We showed a picture of you to one of the classrooms, so they had an idea of who would be visiting. They thought you looked really cool. They had a lot of questions about your ‘special armor’.”

“One student emailed me asking if you had a jet pack,” Rei added.

Makoto blinked in surprise, his mouth falling open. Rei and Aki-chan glanced at each other before bursting into giggles at his stunned expression.

 

**13.**

In January, Haru found Makoto sprawled on the kitchen floor. His wheelchair was by the coffee table, only five meters away.

“Makoto!” He rushed over to check for injuries. There were bruises along Makoto’s arms, and most likely some on his knees. “What happened?”

He received no reply.

“Hey… Makoto.” Fear began to swallow up concern, the longer silence dominated the space between them.

Makoto’s head hung low, obscuring his face. He had something in his hand, Haru realized, and gently, he pried the letter from Makoto’s grasp.

It read:

_Brother,_

_We miss you a lot! Ran says America is really fun and different from TV. She’s graduating with her economics degree in May and she wanted to know if you could come. …It’s okay if you can’t, because we want you to get better! I’m still studying to get into medical school, so wish me luck. Mom and Dad are doing well._

_Love,_

_Ren_

Haru felt tremors from Makoto’s body, but they weren’t muscle spasms. They were from his throat, as tears rolled down and wetted Haru’s t-shirt.

He hugged Makoto close, using one hand to stroke his back. Although neither of them spoke, he could hear the words trapped in Makoto’s body, struggling to get out through his silent sobs.

 _I miss them_.

_I want to see them._

_I wish I was stronger._

 

**14.**

One morning, Nagisa had invited Haru to lunch while Rei and Makoto finished working on fine-tuning the classroom science project.

“Hey, Haru-chan,” he said. He stirred his pink lemonade with a mini-umbrella pick. “What is Mako-chan to you?”

Haru lowered his fork and knife, his appetite suddenly non-existent.

“He’s not like a brother… right?”

Nagisa was easily underestimated when it came to being perceptive. His bubbly, laidback demeanor was paired with a forceful, meddlesome nature, so when he noticed things, he had a habit of not holding back.

“But you two never refer to each other as boyfriends,” Nagisa mused. “Rin-chan said you were stuck in the best-friends-pining-pitifully-for-each-other phase.”

Haru pushed his plate back.

“What does it matter?” he asked. He was irritated, but he couldn’t explain why.

“It matters because there are things you have to say with words, no matter what,” Nagisa insisted. “Otherwise, the other person may never know how you feel.”

The little umbrella had goldfish printed on it. Nagisa flicked it with his finger, causing it to fan out and spin.

“And if you never say them…”

The umbrella ripped in half, part of it sinking slowly down the frosted glass.

“You’ll regret losing the chance.”

 

**15.**

He was getting better. The new treatment was somehow not just stopping the deterioration, but slowly reversing the damage as well.

Haru knew he shouldn’t let false hope wash over him, but it was already too late when he saw Makoto getting out of bed using the leg braces Rei had designed, under Kou’s supervision, Nagisa’s cheering, and Rin’s silent approval.

“Uwah, this is harder than I thought,” Makoto panted.

“Fight, fight, fight, Makoto!” Nagisa yelled.

“A couple more steps to the chair. Keep your back straight! Don’t bend your neck like that. Knees strong, feet firm on the ground!” Kou ordered.

“How do the braces feel? I custom fitted them so to provide the best orthopedic support using a combination of carbon fiber and thermoplastics molded at a temperature of – ”

“Oi, all of you!” Rin growled. “You’re being too loud! How can he get anything done with you yapping?”

“Like he’s not being the loudest,” Kou stage-whispered.

Haru kept himself at a distance, despite wanting to be right at Makoto’s side to catch him in case he stumbled. He wanted to show he trusted Makoto to use his braces and crutches to walk on his own.

His patience paid off, because Makoto managed to walk and pivot into the chair without assistance. Nagisa and Rei exploded with congratulations, and even Rin gave a clap of appreciation. While Kou checked on his muscle strength, Makoto looked up, catching Haru’s gaze, and offered a smile he hadn’t seen in years.

It was filled with intensity, green eyes shining brilliantly underneath a messy fringe. It reminded Haru of the time when they won the medley relay, Makoto’s face unabashedly _proud_.

In that instant, everything crystallized, and Haru’s breath hitched as something gave away inside, something that had been wound up very tightly for a long time.

 

**16.**

“Haru.”

Makoto rested on the bench, his crutches leaning by his side, while they looked up at the summer fireworks together.

“When I was in the hospital, I couldn’t help but think, I was really lucky. Because I had someone like Haru for seventeen years.”

He smiled to himself. The blast of red rockets illuminated his thin, angular face, casting stark shadows in his cheekbones. Despite being older, and frailer, Makoto never lost that softness that was cradled in his eyes, his voice, his lips.

“When I first got sick, I told myself just a few more years. Just a little longer. Because I wanted to be with Haru, with everyone. I didn’t want to think about the end, or listen to the doctors’ warnings, so I pretended things were fine.”

His right hand brushed Haru’s wrist.

“It was really selfish of me,” Makoto admitted. “But you knew, anyway.”

His smile grew sadder.

“I always wanted us to grow old together,” he said. “I used to see those grandpas playing shogi by the road, and think, maybe that’s what we’ll look like in fifty years.”

His crutches slipped and clattered to the ground. Above them, a thunderous roar ignited the mountains.

“Even now, I tell myself, _just a little longer_ ,” Makoto said. “Because... I want to see Ren and Ran marry and have kids.” 

The fireworks reflected off his metallic crutches, tiny sparks of life. 

“I want to travel with Nagisa and Rei across Europe eating all sorts of weird food. I want to celebrate New Years with Kou and Rin in Australia.”

Makoto bent forward, his voice growing louder.

“I want to take care of mom and dad, so that they don’t worry about me. I want to study more and become a teacher.”

The shore erupted in a breath-taking display of greens, yellows, and reds. Makoto raised his head, his face flushed.

“ _I want to swim with you again.”_

Haru turned to face him, his shoulder meeting Makoto’s. His eyes were wet, shining with a light no firework could match.

“I…” he struggled to find the right words to convey what he wanted to say. Makoto always made it seem so easy, so natural to talk about his feelings. Even if Haru was no good at expressing himself in words, he owed it to Makoto to try.

“I didn’t want to believe you were sick,” he managed. His vision was getting blurry. “I wanted to take care of you, and prove the others wrong. We were always best as a team, weren’t we?”

He enveloped Makoto’s hand with his own, lacing their fingers.

“I was scared,” he whispered. “I still am.”

_How am I supposed to find meaning if you’re not by my side?_

“Haru is strong,” Makoto said. “You’ve always protected me.”

He stared at their legs, Haru’s jean-clad ones and Makoto’s awkward braces.

“I wish I could protect Haru too,” Makoto said. He released a quiet laugh. “Even when I was big and healthy, I hid behind you like a little kid.”

“You aren’t weak,” Haru said, squeezing their hands.

With a wistful sigh, Makoto let his head fall to rest against Haru’s.

“Ah… look at that one. It looks like a chrysanthemum,” he said. His eyes were half-lidded, and that slight quirk of his lips told Haru that he was probably tired, but too happy to want to go home.

So, leaving behind the remnants of half-spoken confessions, they stayed pressed together, the crackle and pop of fireworks becoming distant from the shore. Haru held onto this moment, memorized the lines of Makoto’s features, until the last crosette faded from the night sky and covered them in darkness.

 

**99.**

Makoto arrived at the airport to find his family and friends huddled near the ticketing station. They had all sorts of encouraging signs, telling Makoto to “keep fighting!” and “never give up!” He ended up getting hugged at least twice from almost everyone, and once from Rin, who told him if he came back too soon, he’d kick Haru’s butt.

“When you meet Ran in America, make sure she receives this,” his mother said. She handed him a thin, light box. “She’ll know what it is.”

Ren stood behind Makoto, his white physician coat tucked under his arm.

“We’ll call as soon as we find her,” he said.

Haru lifted their bags, ready to depart. Neither he nor Makoto had traveled outside of Japan before.

“Ready?” he asked.

Makoto smiled and nodded. They were going to America to work with a team of doctors who would treat Makoto as part of a clinical trial. He had already participated in one that had temporarily halted the progression of the disease. He wanted to do more… not only to get better but to help others who suffered the same conditions.

He was nervous, and there were definitely risks to being one of the first to try a new treatment, but since Haru was by his side, he wasn’t scared.

With a squeeze of a hand, and a shared look between them, they boarded their plane. It was a new start, not quite like Makoto had imagined, but maybe better, because without a doubt, he knew together they could endure anything.

 

**00.**

_Haru, did you know? Goldfish die quickly, because most people don’t learn how to take care of them._

_They’re really fragile, aren’t they? Even petting them could cause their scales to get damaged._

_But Haru… you know what’s amazing? Goldfish can live ten, twenty, thirty years. The ones that are sick can live for fifteen months._

_When we put them in a bowl, we don’t let them grow. They need lots of space to swim. That’s why it’s important for them to have a good home._

_In a way, maybe goldfish are stronger than we think. Even when people don’t know how to care for them, they still swim for months and months. If they get treated with medicine and put in the right tank, they can live longer than anyone expects._

_Aren’t they amazing?_


End file.
